disappear

sometimes i trust it will never happened again, but obviously it failed, again and again throughout so many years.
i get it enough !
and the situation tends to get worsen when i'm getting mature though i'm trying harder and harder to get thing solved.

but god knows they will never end. never ever.

i have to deal with anything, that's why when i'm alone, i try not to involve myself in human communication but silent, no why, just get sick of it.

how long i should stand for this situation? how long it needs to end?
tell me when will i have the chance to escape from this hell. tell me when.

there's sometime i used to remain silent, to evade all these matters, but this action couldn't help in solving the problems.

but on the other hand, i really wish i am here to solve and make everything better, though it is tough
but it is my responsibility. and i love them.

i know i am the only one who can make these problems become better, better at least.
but i have to hide the real me.

no cries no worries just be happy and be optimistic
when facing these dilemmas.
the real me inside, unable to tell anybody.

i don't mean to face and suffer all these shit ! it hurts me deeply, mentally and emotionally.
deep inside my heart is broken into pieces, hardly recover or never recover perhaps.

it is hardly for me to come back anymore once i step out of this country, just if i am giving a chance.
i'll go as far as i could. my heart will never be complete and i just want to leave this hell

i know i should appreciate and feel lucky of what i am having now. i truly appreciate, i feel blessed.
there's no perfect in this world, i understand this. what can i do is just try my best.
to make everything better, nicer, happier. 

sometimes, how i wish i could just disappear, just like this.